“Tas, go to bed.”
A small, round cross between a squirrel and a rabbit lifts his head to peer up at my mother. After a lengthy pause, the chinchilla lifts up a paw and wipes his nose at her.
Mom rolls her eyes and lets out a groan.
It was safe to say that my mom hadn’t been prepared to handle corralling chins—especially not three at a time. Nevertheless, despite the exasperated look she shoots everyone in the room (myself for not helping, the chins for being uncooperative, dad for laughing at her), she sets her jaw and reaches for one of the longer sticks that Tas especially liked to chew on. Ignoring Flint for now—our newest that had taught the nose-wiping technique to his brothers a month ago—she reaches in to gently start brushing along Tas’s back with the other end of the stick.
Tas startles and dives for his cage. Now, however, Mom has two more to handle: Fiz and Flint are moving in to nibble at the stick in their never-ending quest to determine: is it edible?
However, this is the break that Mom was looking for. Allowing a small smirk on her face, she begins to drag the stick toward the entrance of their cage. With a steady hand and a stream of patient, encouraging coos toward her babies, the last two are coaxed to bed.
Until Flint decides to pursue a tastier-looking stick.
“It never ends,” Mom grumbles.
(Words: 247)
Notes: I know this doesn't follow exactly what the assignment had in mind for the character sketch, but this wouldn't leave me alone. I originally wanted to do a piece sketching one of the chinchillas. Then I thought it would be a good idea to flesh out my mom, who cares for them. I think overall I could do a sketch of both, but the piece would have to wind up being at least twice as long as it is now. Oh well; I hope you enjoyed it anyway.
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Pretty funny, especially the seeming snub of your mother by three fluffy balls.
ReplyDeleteYou might provide more details on your mother and her actions to satisfy the intent of the assignment, but including the chinchillas is necessary, of course. I can picture the scene in general terms, but I do not have a real clear image of your mother at work.
I do think you can spend more time on the "lead." Perhaps something along the lines of "The order, 'Tas, go to bed,' was ignored by the chinchilla. A native of the Andes, his species may not understand Mom's English. Or, Tas might be engaged in open defiance--rebellion!--supported by his two compatriots who also refuse to submit. If Tas could speak English, he might want to argue his case peacefully. He can't seem to, and our human-chinchilla nation is not governed by democratic principles anyway. Mom pulls out a stick." (Followed by a shift to your mother's actions in satisfaction of the assignment's goals.)
"Reaches in" confused me for a bit--'in where?' Flint apparently escapes in another act of defiance. More on your mother's response to that would be useful. A couple uses "however" can be excised.
It's a cute story that I think illustrates the relationship between your mom and her chinchillas, and even the effect of her relationship with her chinchillas and you and your dad. It would be a nice family piece, but there isn't much interaction shown between your mom and you and your dad, just the look that she shoots at you two (by the way, what kind of look was that? Was it a glare? Was it perplexed? Was it helpless? Frustrated?).
ReplyDeleteThis would be such a fun long piece, so it sucks that we have a word constraint of only 250 words in this assignment. I could easily see how you might take the reader on kind of a wild ride by describing how your mom might have had to chase the chinchillas around as they dive behind other chairs or split up or run just out of reach.
I think it would be nice to end with a little more interaction between you and your mom or maybe even between your dad and your mom. Instead of ending it on a half playful, half frustrated quote from your mom, maybe end it on a somewhat teasing, fun quote from your dad or from you (if you guys said anything).
Cute! Anything involving chinchillas is automatically better, and I do like the image presented here: your mom trying to coax the chinchillas back into their cage.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, though: I have no idea what your mom looks like. I substitute, in my mental image, a sort of Generic Mom, but perhaps if you could mention how she looks, we'll get a better idea of her? I'm thinking this piece to be visual, and so mentioning what you mom looks like (towering over the chinchillas? smaller woman? does she smile as well as do the baby/chinchilla voice?) could add to the image.
I liked the nose-wiping as a lead. That, if you've seen it done, is hilarious.